Homeward Bound

My financial aid definately isn't going to get approved.

Not for 6 months at least. Yesterday I talked to those lame financial aid people and since I'm poor and let my loan go into 'default' my credit is balls and until I make 6 months of consecutive payments on my loan, I won't get approved. I'm not surprised in the least. This is what back up plans are for. Mine being drop out of beauty school.

I'm seriously going to drop out of beauty school. (SERIOUSLY.) At first I thought 'oh, haha what if I end up dropping out of beauty school? How funny would that be?!' HAAAA. Not so much. I wanted to prove some shit and be all.. yeah I can do it, I'm strong. NOT. I am the weakest person I know. If I'm in a difficult position I run, if not, I create an obstacle in which I can't overcome, just so I can run away from it. (Input anyone?)

I'm sure that staying here and making it through school would be the 'best thing' for me, but it's not what's going to make me happy. Granted, I currently have no idea what's going to make me feel content in the long run. I don't even know what's going to make me feel happy tomorrow.. but now I DO know that if I ever discover what's going to satisfy me in life, I want to be in Portland when I find it all out. Forever I've tried to deny my roots, but I AM a Portland girl.

I dread the day that I'm forced to confront my grandmother about this whole situation. I almost want to pack up in the dead of the night and leave when she's on one of her daily runs to the bead store. Maybe I'll leave a note reading "It was easier for me this way."

I want to move home no later than November 13th. It is a rather soon date, but I'd love to be back before Thanksgiving. My little sister is coming home one last time before she ships out to The Middle East and I want to be there so we can bond.. hopefully get a corny 'sister' tattoo. October/November weather is also my absolute favorite. Apple cider in the wee hours of the morning, your breath visible in the brisk AM air and the sidewalks plastered with fallen leaves of all colors. Peacoats, scarves and Starbucks, MMM. (An incredibly Portland thing of me to confess.) Are people saying that now? (A "Portland thing"...?)

I will go back to beauty school once my financial aid is approved. I finally found something that I would be satisfied doing as a career. Something I actually like participating in. I'm not going to give that up. Not now. I just have to make more sacrifices. I'm completely willing. Just not in this town.

I WANT IT ALL! I NEED IT ALL!

XXXO
Miranda